Cat's Cradle
by LESG
Summary: On the nanobot remake of the Dwarf everything is back to normal till a resident ship of Red Dwarf returns.* some lines are familiar* r/r ( The Sequal is: Equal *now availible*))


  
This could possibly be a part one and have a sequel but I will only do a sequel at demand for one. So if you like it please review. (Note: some of the dialogue is taken from an eppy)  
  
DISCLAIMER: Characters Lister, Kochanski, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and Holly are of the show and books RED DWARF owned by Grant Naylor. All other characters are of my own imagination.   
  
Cat's Cradle  
By: LESG  
  
: TRANSMISSION: This is the Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf. Well, actually a remake from the nanobots but on to the crew. On board is a hard light hologram, Arnold J. Rimmer, an android, Kryten 2X4B 523P, two humans, Dave Lister and Kristine Z. Kochanski, and a cat humanoid mutated from Dave's pet cat, The Cat. We haven't seen new life forms in years. Besides the ones growing in Dave's sock hamper. : END TRANSMISSON:   
  
Chapter 1  
  
"1, 2, 3," Rimmer steadily counted his jumping jacks in the AM hours. He paused when he heard Lister stir in his bunk,"87, 88, 89, ump!" Lister threw a pillow at the hard light hologram. "Watch it you twit!" Rimmer tried to grain composure. "Now where was I? Oh, 90, 91, 92, ump!" Rimmer turned to Lister, as he lay asleep. He picked up the two pillows and began to repeatedly hit Lister on the head.   
"Ahh," Lister sat up. "What!!??"  
"Some of us need to get a ready start on the day," Rimmer threw the pillows down.  
"It is 3 in the smegging morning."  
"Did you ever hear it was good to rise before the sun?"  
Lister placed his feet on the floor and walked to the portal, "What sun? All I see black with little twinkley bits."  
"That's no reason to be lazy. I happen to also be getting ready for my exam," Rimmer informed.  
"What exam?"  
"The commander's exam."  
"Getting ready to fail, ay," Lister made his way back to his bed.  
"Fail, I will not. I am in peak health and..."  
"Sorry it's not mental health."  
"Watch me. I pass this test with flying colors and become your superior," Rimmer pointed to him.  
"Pass it like you did the last 9 times. Go ahead 10 is a charm," Lister closed his eyes.   
Rimmer simply rolled his eyes, "Well, if we happen to meet any aliens we will have someone in charge."   
"You and you smegging aliens," Lister mumbled.  
"We'll meet them and I will be in charge and ready, "Rimmer saluted an imaginary alien. "We come in peace."  
"Hol, mute Rimmer," Lister turned over and went back to sleep.  
  
  
  
You can do this, Rimmer coached himself as he entered the examing room. You are Arnold J. Rimmer and--  
"Kochanski?!" Rimmer was surprise to see her exiting the room.  
"Rimmer?!" She mimicked him. "What?"  
"You just took the--"  
"Commander's exam," she informed.  
"Might I ask why?"  
"Cause today was testing day."  
"No, why do you want to be a commanding officer?" Rimmer clarified his inquiry.  
"Well, I was in my dimension along with Dave."  
"Our Lister could only pass if it was an exam on the classes of curry and lager."  
Kochanski chuckled, "That's why I think it's important someone takes this position."  
"But you... you're a --"  
"Girl? Could you be more of a sexist pig?" She walked away down the corridor.  
"I have to pass this exam," Rimmer whispered.   
  
  
"Who is the most beautiful creature in the universe?" The self-absorbed Cat walked down the hallway and took out a mirror. "You of course. My hair is pretty, my clothes are pretty heck, and even my teeth are." He placed his mirror in his pocket and looked into the examing room. "There goes light boy. What is he up to?" Cat quietly strode into the room. "Whatcha doin' goal post head?"   
"Cat?!" Rimmer jumped. "How'd you get in here? I happen to be taking an exam."  
"Well, I was sent down here to get you," Cat explained his presence.   
"For what?"  
"Holly seemed to have spotted some space whatever," Cat took out his comb. "He said it might have life on it."  
"My aliens," Rimmer whispered.  
"Possible females," Cat combed his hair.  
"Let's go," Rimmer led the cat to the drive deck.  
  
  
"Finish your exam?" Kochanski asked as Rimmer and Cat entered.  
"Does it matter? We know whose going to pass," Rimmer smirked.   
"Her?" Cat pointed.  
Rimmer rolled his eyes, "Holly why didn't you notify me in the examing room of the craft."  
"You said and I quote, "Don't say a smeggin' word to me while I'm in the examing room." Anyway It took me long enough to notice that wasn't one of Lister's flea's moving on the screen."  
"I don't got fleas," Lister checked under his arms.  
"Where's Kryten?" Kochanski asked.  
"Readjusting my sensors so I can scan the ship," Holly informed.  
"Holly you should shortly get read out," Kryten entered.  
"Yes...Its one of our ships."  
"What about life?" Rimmer questioned.  
"One life force is aboard." Everyone looked to each other.  
"Do you suppose this force can be from an alien?" Rimmer questioned.  
"I suppose so the force is not completely human."  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Red Dwarf tried to make contact with the strange vessel but the communication line on the craft was damaged. So the entire crew decided to allow the ship to dock and then swiftly guide the being to the quarantine bay.  
"Ready?" Lister asked Kochanski as they stood in the bay with Kryten and Rimmer, both humans dressed in isolation suits. The Cat refused to join them claiming the suits, weren't his color.  
"Yeah," Kochanski nodded a bit frightened as the cargo bay door opened on the small craft.  
"This is it, this is it," Rimmer repeated eagerly as the door hit the ground. They all gasped as a female humanoid placed her feet on the floor of the bay. She was slender, tall, and had long brown hair. She stood as if she lost her sense of balance.  
"We come in peace," Rimmer waved and she fainted.  
  
  
"The smeghead strikes again," Lister, pointed to the female being behind the glass in the quarantine observatory.  
"It wasn't my fault," Rimmer denied.  
"Well... we come in peace?" Kochanski repeated Rimmer's words. "That was horrible. You could have just said," Hello and welcome.""  
"Kryte how is she?" Lister asked as Kryten entered the corridor.  
"I scanned her and saw she is suffering from a serious case of malnutrition. I appended her on to the Medicom for vitamin supplement treatment," Kryten informed.  
"So, she's okay, right?" Kochanski inquired.  
"Indeed, we should also know of her origin as soon as Holly completes a run throughout her ship's data base."  
"So what is she?" Rimmer plastered his face to the window.  
"A female."  
"No, you half used pencil tip," Rimmer looked to Kryten. "What is she? As in species."  
"Well--"  
"Hey! What's up?" Cat joined the group.  
"We are just about to find out what the being is," Rimmer stated annoyed.   
"Oh, really?" Cat walked to the window. "Holly fish fillets!!" Cat dropped his jaw. "I never thought I'd see someone prettier then me." Cat thought on what he said and took out his mirror. "Never mind, I still haven't but she's close."  
"She happens to be of your species," Kryten informed.   
"You're kidding," Rimmer chuckled.  
"No, I am not programmed to ... kid. I ran blood test to assure this was accurate and her components match those of the Cat," Kryten shook his head.  
"We wonder the smegging universe all these year, finally find life, and it's another git like the Cat?"  
"Apparently so sir."  
"Wait a minute everyone," Holly announced. "She happens to be... quite intelligent. According to her ships records she manned the ship by herself."  
"Wait, but in that Cat Bible thing they all died, right?" Lister questioned.  
"Actually no," Holly corrected. "There were two arks of cats and one crashed and the other headed out to another universe."  
"Wait a smegging minute that was millions of years ago," Rimmer held up his palms. "How is she alive?"  
"There's something called status. And it is on every smaller vessel of Red Dwarf," Kochanski answered. "Officers would know that."  
Rimmer rolled his eyes, "So how did she just get here?"   
"Some how she found her way back... I'm not sure of how yet," Holly answered.  
"Back?" Kochanski looked to Cat as he stared at the female. "Do you think she was trying to get here?"   
  
Chapter 3   
  
"Where, where am I?" She quickly opened her eyes as she lay on the gurney.  
"On the Jupiter mining ship, Red Dwarf," Kryten approached. Her body made a quick frightened movement. "Ma' ma are you alright?"  
"Are you? What happened to you? Your head..."  
"Hey Krytes we need you in the mess hall," Lister's voice came over the speaker in the quarantine observatory. Kryten motioned him inside. "I need you to fix the food processor. I can't get my regular chicken vindallo instead I get a pot noodle." Lister cringed. "Rather lick the insoles of me own smegging shoe. Oh-- she's awake." Lister finally noticed the conscious female and gave her a smile. "Think we should tell Rimmer?"  
"Well, no he seemed to loose interest and now has the same amount as a blind man to reading a picture book," Kryten answered as he checked the Medicom.  
"Am I dead?" she mistook Lister for her God Cloister.  
"No," he shook his head. "I'm Lister," Lister placed out his hand and received a delayed shake.   
"Felis," she sat up appearing slightly confused.  
"Like the Spanish carol..." Lister tries to sing the carol "Felis Navidad." He pauses as Felis and Kryten stare at him.  
"Are you feeling alright Mr. Lister?" Kryten asked concerned.  
"Well... yeah," he looked around the room. "It's better with my guitar."  
  
"Well, hello Kochanski," Rimmer cockily walked onto the drive deck.  
"What's up your butt hole?" Kochanski turned in her chair and examined his walk.  
"What ever isn't," Cat rolled his eyes.   
"Holly should be announcing the results of the test, any minute now," Rimmer glanced to his wristwatch.  
"Oh, you time your complete humiliations now?" Kochanski raised an eyebrow.  
"The results are in," Holly's image appeared on the screen. "One member of the crew completed the exam."  
"What?!" Rimmer approached the screen.  
"Officer Kochanski," Holly stated.  
"Officer?" Rimmer huffed in anger.  
"Officer," Kochanski smiled. "Wow, Arnie I would have thought you would have put up more of a fight. A half minded twit is more competition."  
"Isn't that who were dealing with here?" Cat shrugged.  
"It's all your fault," Rimmer pointed at the Cat. "I could have been an officer. A superior."  
"No you couldn't have," Holly remarked.  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"You got only one answer correct, and that was the name box."  
"Everyone," Lister walked on to the deck and all looked to him. "I'd like you to meet Felis."  
"Pleasure," Rimmer walked up to Felis and saluted her in his own elaborated Rimmer way.  
"Are you an officer?" Felis questioned.  
"Not of any substantial rank," Kochanski approached her and shook her hand. "My name's Officer Kochanski."   
"My name's Officer Kochanski," Rimmer imitated her under his breath. Felis looked to Cat and didn't speak a word. It was if she was in some state of shock.  
"Kane?" She whispered and fainted.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Who would have thought my beauty could knock someone out?" Cat smoothed down his hair. "Had a feeling I had that effect."  
"Kryten is she okay?" Kochanski glanced over Felis as she lay on the gurney.  
"Currently she is in a stable condition," Kryten answered.  
"Why would she faint?" Lister questioned.  
"Maybe she had a scare?" Rimmer suggested.  
"Hey, I resent that!" Cat snapped and walked to the side of Felis. "A female... wait till she wakes up."  
"Ugh," Rimmer groaned. "Now I have to scrub my brain with a steal wool pad." Rimmer shook his head and exited the room.  
"Kane, Kane," Felis repeated and opened her eyes to Cat. She placed her hands on the back of his head and pulled him to her.  
"Way to go Cat!" Lister cheered. Kochanski made a face and dragged Lister out of the quarters.  
"Mr. Cat," Kryten tapped him as he enjoyed the long kiss from Felis.  
"What?" Cat pulled away.  
"I think she is mistaking you for another named, Kane," Kryten informed.  
"Really?" Cat looked to Felis and began to kiss her once again.  
  
"What are you doing Krytes?" Lister approached him as he paced infront of Sleeping Quarters 83.  
"Mr. Cat has not come out of that room in hours," Kryten complained. Lister grinned and looked to Kryten as he didn't understand.   
"I think Felis is having fun with Cat's..."  
"Hello people," Cat exited from the quarters in a silky bathrobe.  
"Are you alright Mr. Cat?" Kryten inquired.  
"Of course he is," Lister placed his arm around Cat. "Right?" Cat gave Lister's grin a strange look.  
"What's wrong with you monkey?"  
"Smeg am I the only one who thinks like me?" Lister removed his arm and walked away.  
"What has been going on. I have desperate news," Kryten complained.  
"Kane," Felis stuck her head through the doorway.  
"Cat?! You are lying."  
"And it feels so good," Cat smiled and performed his trademark spin. "Oww!"  
  
Kryten shook his head as he entered the mess hall and took a seat next to Kochanski. She looked to him as she tried to take her first bite into a ham sandwich. Kryten huffed. Kochanski tried to ignore and enjoy her snack but before she could place the bread to her lips Kryten made once again another worried sound. Kochanski placed down her sandwich.  
"What's your problem?"  
"Oh, I do not want to bother you Officer Kochanski."  
She rolled her eyes, "What's your problem?"  
"None the less you should enjoy your meal," he waved his hand. She nodded and picked up her sandwich. "Ma' am." She paused; her mouth froze in a formation almost around a portion of the sandwich. "I need some advice." She moved the food from her mouth and placed it back on her plate.  
"What's your problem?" she repeated irritated.  
"How do you tell someone bad news?"  
"Is your reasoning chips malfunctioning?"  
"No ma' am," Kryten shook his head. "It's just that my programming doesn't consider emotions."  
"Oh, well telling them good news first might soften the blow," she suggested.  
"So tell them something good first," Kryten murmured. "Thank you." He arose and walked to the doors. Kochanski smiled at her sandwich and picked it up. She licked her lips as it slowly neared her mouth. "Ma' am." She bit her lip and paused. "Congratulations on becoming an officer." She turned and nodded a thank you then quickly bit into her ham sandwich. "Officer Kochanski we also ran out of genuine pork a week ago." Her face fell as she chewed and Kryten left the mess hall.  
  
"What seems to be the problem Kryten?" Felis asked as she entered the research lab with Cat (Kane) endow.   
"I have some news for you," Kryten walked to a table. "You might want to sit for this."  
"I feel fine," she rejected the suggestion.  
"Well, I did many test to find out if you were in good health."  
"She is fine, right?" Cat asked. A few buzzing sounds came from Kryten somewhere in his being.   
"Felis you are pregnant," Kryten stated the good news. She smiled with joy and wrapped Cat in a gaint hug.  
A frighten look appeared on the face of the Cat, "It's mine?"  
"I have more news," Kryten announced. Felis' smiled continued to beam as she hopped for more marvelous news. "You are dying." Her face fell.   
"What you say, cheap razor face?" Cat questioned.  
"Felis is carring a disease that is from my studies normally slow moving. So slow you would be well over 165 years old before it effected you. But Felis was suspended for well over that many years. He body has under this sickness for sometime."  
"But, But-," she stuttered. "I feel fine."  
"I have never seen anything like this but it is a silent killer."  
  
Chapter 5  
  
"Wow we've hardly known her few hours and she just gone," Lister closed his magazine as he laid in his bunk. "17 hours to live. Rimmer what would you do with only 17 hours to live?"  
"I dunno," he shrugged as he ironed his underpants. "Maybe take the exam again."  
"You are so obsessed with that dumb exam. Someone is dying and all you can think of is yourself. That's low even for you."  
"What can I say I'm a self perfectionist bastard."  
"Hey you two," Cat entered the room. "Which one should I wear: 'Oops I'm a Daddy' Blue or 'Wow, she's really gone' black." Cat held up two suits then burst into tears.   
"It's okay Cat," Lister sat up. "We understand your loss."  
"No, it's just that I don't have any shoes that go with the first suit."  
"How is the baby to be born?" Rimmer finished with his ironing.  
"Actually, she just came out of surgery and we have a pediatric ward to incubate it in," Holly appeared.   
"Really?" Lister looked to the screen surprised. "Should I've noticed that in all these five miles of ship?"  
"So the Cat is to be a father," Rimmer began to place his underpants on hangers. "I thought I've seen everything. This is going to be something."  
  
  
"Bye, bye scrundlitious Felis," Cat stated as the crew stood in the pod bay.   
"Scrudlitious?" Kochanski repeated.   
"No existing word could possibly describe her... farewell," Cat pressed the pod release button; her pod left Red Dwarf and entered the void of endless space. Kochanski placed her arm around Cat's shoulders and walked with the others to Felis' wake, which happened to be in the pediatric ward.   
  
"Baby," Cat fixated his face on the glass that surrounded the suspended developing "unborn" infant. "Man I gotta get you some threads. This natural look isn't doing it." The others glanced at each other then to Kryten as he beeped and buzzed in the corner.  
"Kryten you sound like a nervous oven. What's got you in a wobble?" Rimmer asked.  
"Mr. Cat, sir," Kryten made his way to the Cat. "I am pleased to say you have no such trace of the disease Felis was carrying."  
"That's a relief I don't have an 'I'm gonna die' suit," Cat responded. Kryten began to make a wining sound.  
"Sir, I have bad news," Kryten began to speak in the high-pitched squeal they all loathed.   
"Hurry up and spare us," Holly winced.  
"Cat, your not the father of this child."  
  
THE END...?  
  
  
  
  
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